


Slow It Down, Darling Come Back To Bed (Rest Your Arms and Rest Your Legs)

by orphan_account



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, M/M, Self Harm, fluff somewhere in there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-08 01:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn knows that recovery is a long road and he doesn't know what to expect when he moves in with Harry and Louis. But he doesn't expect Liam and he doesn't expect art to find him rather the other way around. Zayn also realizes that being healed comes on his own terms and that broken things aren't going to stay like that forever. And maybe just maybe in the midst of realizing who he is and who he can become he'll let himself find love in a pretty brown eyed boy who makes Zayn feel beautiful and loved and... healed. </p><p>~~ </p><p>Or the one where Zayn's back from rehab, Liam's kind of perfect, Harry and Louis' relationship is hitting a bump in the road, Perrie is Zayn's best friend, Leigh and Niall are kind of a perfect couple but they kind of aren't at the same time and Jesy and Jade are there because they're flawless</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you, us and the pursuit of happiness

**Author's Note:**

> So uhm yeah this is a very personal piece for me because suffering from depression and self harm is hard and yeah lets all stay strong 
> 
> Song for this is Slow It Down by The Lumineers and that's where I took the title from

Zayn sits in the comfortable plush chair with a pillow in his lap and his legs curled under him and he’s staring at the bright blue eyes of his therapist, Jennifer. Her blonde hair cascades down her slim shoulders and her frames are resting comfortably on the tip of her nose. Zayn looks around the office, taking it in and he wonders if he’ll be back. He’s grown to love and dread this office in the long run, with its Febreeze and natural pine smell because Jennifer always has the windows up, the kisses in the little glass bowl that Zayn would take every now and again just to occupy his mouth so he wouldn’t have to actually speak. Jennifer too, he’s grown accustomed to her and her motherly tone and her patience.

“So Zayn… it’s your last day here. How do you feel?” Jennifer finally asks him after extended silence and Zayn meets her electrifying blue eyes and he smiles. It’s small and it hurts a bit to do it because he doesn’t really know how he’ll feel… free (not so much).

“Better… I guess.” Zayn says a bit and he’s scared, that’s it. It’s been a whole year since everything broke down and Zayn almost died, since Harry and Louis were sobbing out his name. It’s been a whole year since he saw Niall and his watery blue eyes sitting in the hospital room with him asking,

_“Zayn… why would you do this?”_ It’s been a year and Zayn’s scared alright. He’s scared that his friends will surely forget about him and he knows it’s a ridiculous thought because they’ve been visiting him all the time and they always talk about how much they miss him but maybe they realize Zayn is a nut job. He takes in a deep breath,

“What do you feel Zayn, tell me.” Jennifer says and Zayn reaches over taking a kiss and unwrapping the silver wrapper slowly. He bites his lip,

“I guess I’m scared basically. What if they… don’t like me anymore, what if everything has changed?” Zayn questions and then he laughs, “I know it’s stupid to think that because they’ve talked to me basically everyday but I don’t know about anything anymore.” Zayn says and Jennifer gives him a small smile,

“It’s okay to be scared Zayn, I mean it’s been a whole year and look where you are now. I mean in the beginning you refused to speak to me and now look at you, I think that you’ve made progress and on the topic of your friends it’s not stupid to think that. You just have to go in there with a positive mind set and know that if you guys do have a falling out it’s not your fault and it’s not the end of the world.” Jennifer says and Zayn nods,

“I guess you’re right. Thanks.” Zayn says giving her a small smile. That’s how it usually is now that he’s comfortable with her, she’ll say something and it’s not philosophical or anything but it’s simple and she understands him. That’s what he’s always wanted and always needed. Jennifer smiles back at him,

“So what do you plan on doing? You are going to be staying with Harry in London right?” She asks and he nods,

“Yeah I am. Uhm I don’t really have a plan yet I just… I want to start drawing again.” Zayn admits and he knows his face heats up but he has a darker skin complexion so his blush is not noticeable.

“That’s good Zayn, very good actually.” She says and he takes another kiss and eats it,

“Thanks.” He says and she smiles at him. They both sit there in silence for a bit more and then the ringer is sounding and it’s like Zayn can feel it in his bones that this is it, this is him walking out of the rehabilitation center and promising to get better. This is him finding it in himself to be something more that another statistic. He pushes out of his chair and Jennifer does the same too and her with her blonde hair and professional suit and soft armor hugs him and he’s never had a mother like figure before so he hugs her back tightly and he doesn’t want to let go,

“Thank you Jennifer, so much.” He says and his emotions are showing through and he thinks a year ago he’d have all these walls built up and he still does but while a year ago they were brick walls they are now cinderblocks.

“Don’t thank me Zayn, this was all you.” She says and then they’re pulling away and Zayn wipes at his eyes and he looks away from her. She smiles, “Now don’t forget to call me every week so I can track how you’re doing but if something happens before then and you need someone to desperately speak too I’m right here. Take your anti-depressants and just remember Zayn… stay strong.” And the phrase is so clichéd and overdone but Zayn is happy she’s said it because that means he was already strong to begin with and he’s never thought of himself that way. He smiles again,

“Thank you.” And then she’s leading him out, both of them walking together soft and comfortably.

~

Zayn has all his bags packed and he’s in the lobby waiting for Harry. He watches as other patients bustle around and there is soft laughter in the place and when Zayn had first came to Neumann Springs Rehabilitation Center he had thought that it was full of maniacs and crazies but there were people just like him, suffering through depression and self-harm and dealing with it one step at a time. While Zayn waits he looks down at his long sleeved shirt and ever so slowly he lifts the sleeves up and he stares at his wrist, mostly his left one.

They’re faded and oh so old but he sees them, the methodical way they are cut. He knows the deeper ones and it’s like these right here, these scars that litter his wrist they’re his stories and he knows he’s not completely fixed but it’s like… this is what makes him… _him._ There will be tough days and they’ll seem dreary and gray over the backdrop of rainbows dripping down a worn canvas but he’ll be better… even if it kills him.

“Hey.” He hears and he doesn’t even startle because he know his best mates voice. He does look up though and he meets Harry’s green eyes. So familiar that it makes Zayn ache and he’s so happy for that, so happy for Harry and so happy for himself.

“Hi.” Zayn says and then he’s standing up, walking over to Katherine the sign-out sheet lady at the front desk. She hands him the paper quietly and he signs his name and he doesn’t dwell on it as Harry grabs his bag and silently they both walk out the door walking to Harry’s old beat up truck.

Harry loads his bags while Zayn goes to sit shotgun and when Harry returns everything is silence. Zayn expects the car to start but Harry reaches over and he grabs him in a hard hug and Zayn clings to him too, to the smell of apple shampoo and detergent. Cinnamon is mixed in there too and it’s so Harry and it’s so beautiful and Zayn thinks that maybe everything will be alright.

“I’m so happy you’re back Zayn like god you don’t understand.” Harry says into his ears and Zayn nods,

“Yeah, I’m happy to be back.” And the most beautiful thing about that moment, about that hot afternoon on June 19th 2014 in front of the rehab center and the world moving a bit too fast and Zayn losing his footing is that Zayn truly means it. He’s so happy to be back.   

Harry pulls away and wipes at his eyes. It takes a few tries for the old truck to start and Zayn rests his head on the window and he closes his eyes, the Lumineers start playing and Zayn listens to the soft crooning of voices in his ear and not his head.

_Slow it down, Angie come back to bed rest your arms, and rest your legs._

~

Harry’s flat in London is not huge and it’s not too small either, he shares it with his boyfriend Louis another one of Zayn’s best friends. Zayn remembers when Harry got the flat he was 18 and both him and Louis were more crazy about each other then they are now, both of them extremely happy and Zayn remembers him, Niall, Perrie, Leigh, Jade and Jesy at the housewarming get together.

Zayn remembers looking at Harry and Louis and Niall and Leigh because they were so in love and Zayn… Zayn had nobody. Zayn remembers hating himself, he remembers wanting someone to love him but thinking that nobody would ever because nobody likes someone who has these scars that take up half their arm and these emotions that don’t seem to fit right under his cold and hard exterior. Zayn remembers Perrie holding his hand but it was platonic because he was gay and he had admitted to her with tears in his eyes because growing up with a strict Muslim father who wanted a strict Muslim son to marry a strict Muslim wife and have strict Muslin children with said wife did that to a person. Zayn had never wanted to disappoint his father, never wanted to be a sinner.

He remembers getting home and stumbling into the bathroom and slicing his russet skin, folding in on himself on the bathroom floor and he remembers waking up to Waliyah screaming,

“Zayn get out of the bathroom, I need to pee!”

Zayn snaps out of his thoughts when Harry slams the car door as he steps out and Zayn follows his lead. He walks to the back of the truck as he helps Harry with the bags and then both of them are silently walking up the stairs; neither of them know what to say. Zayn wants to apologize but he’s done enough of that to last a lifetime.

When Harry opens the door nobody is jumping up and screaming, “surprise” but his friends are all there. Sitting on Harry’s couch watching TV and laughing silently to themselves and when Harry and Zayn step inside and Harry closes the door they all turn their heads and Zayn sees Perrie with her purple hair, Jade with her smile, Leigh and Niall sitting with hands intertwined, Jesy on the ground with a pillow in her lap, Louis cooking in the kitchen and there’s an unknown boy there too and Zayn thinks… _oh?_ Because the boy has big brown eyes and short brown hair and he looks so innocent but he has these broad shoulders and these hands that Zayn want to hold.

Zayn closes his eyes and then he says,

“Hi everyone.” And that breaks the ice because everyone is flinging themselves at him and Perrie doesn’t let go, she holds on for dear life and she sobs and she sobs. Zayn wants to too but he doesn’t he just holds her back,

“Don’t leave ever again Zayn, don’t do it.” She sobs and Zayn holds her back,

“Never.” And he means it.

Leigh, Jade and Jesy all hug him and Leigh says,

“Go on a freaking vacation and not warn us you twat.” She’s grinning but there’s pain in her brown eyes and Zayn kisses her forehead. Niall hugs him like Harry does and Niall isn’t an easy crier, he only cries for things that matter unlike Harry who is super emotional and cries at the drop of a hat so when Niall cries it’s a rare thing.

Niall’s not crying though, just whimpering.

“Never again you asshole, never again.” He whispers.

Then Zayn looks at Louis who’s still in the kitchen and their eyes meet. Zayn watches as Louis, loud and in your face Louis silently walk over to him and clap his shoulder,

“Good to have you back Zayn.” And then he walks away down the hall and he disappears into the room, slamming the door behind him. Zayn just stands there and it’s all so quiet and tense until Harry says,

“Let’s eat everyone.”

The boy’s name is Liam, that’s how Niall introduces him. They’re in uni together and Niall had brought him along. Liam just smiles at him and continues to eat shyly, he’ll talk every now and again but it’s to either Niall or Harry. Zayn doesn’t quite pay much attention though because he’s hoping for Louis to come out of the bedroom but he doesn’t.

_Here’s to wishing for you, us, and the pursuit of happiness._


	2. love me back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just likes when he has things in common with people and especially with a person like Liam who doesn’t know about why he’s been gone for six months and who’s just really beautiful and has this small reserved smile. Zayn likes his colors… yeah. Because he’s not bright like red or orange, he’s a cool silver and a mellow yellow. He thinks if he were to ever paint Liam there would be lots of brown and blank spaces because Zayn doesn’t know much about him yet, doesn’t really know his story but he wants to find out.

Zayn wakes up to the sun streaming through the peach colored blinds and a lumpy mattress, he supposes that the mattress isn’t as lumpy as he makes it out to be but he’s so used to rehab and the things there. He wonders if normal people can say, ‘so used to rehab’ but he realizes a second later that he’s not exactly the epitome of normal. He lays there on the mattress for a bit and he hears talking, voices hushed. He tries to make out what they’re saying but he can’t, he heats his name a couple of times but that’s it.

He bites his lip and wonders why Louis and Harry are talking about him, he wonders if they want to kick him out… if they realize that letting him live with them was a horrible terrible mistake. He wouldn’t blame them but then Zayn lets out a breath of air and thinks about positivity and seeing good in himself because there is good there… apparently.

Suddenly the door is softly being opened and Harry pokes his head in and he gives Zayn a small smile, a motherly one and cautious too. Zayn wants to scream.

“Hey you’re awake.” Harry says,

“Obviously.” Zayn mutters and Harry’s smile drops but then it’s back as quickly as it came,

“Right. Uhm Lou and I made some breakfast, wanna brush your teeth and join us?” Harry questions softly and Zayn kind of realizes that he has no choice and that he should be happy! Harry and Louis maybe are trying to include him and make him feel less lonely; he shouldn’t push that away because of his doubts.

“Alright.” Zayn says sitting up and padding pass Harry into the bathroom. He hisses as his feet hit the cold tiles and then he’s staring at himself in the mirror. He studies his profile, dark hair and tired eyes but at least they aren’t lifeless… not like how they used to be. He decides that this is no time to have some kind of revelation so he quickly brushes his teeth and walks out of the bathroom with the taste of mint overpowering his taste buds.

When he gets to the dining room there’s a plate of pancakes, bacon and eggs which he guesses is for him because both Harry and Louis are sitting across from each other with their own food. Zayn slips into a chair next to Harry and he avoids Louis’ blue eyes but really Louis’ avoiding his. He wants to ask Louis what his problem is because Zayn didn’t mean to hurt himself alright, he doesn’t get why Louis’ so worked up.

He lifts the food to his lips and eats slowly. He feels Harry’s eyes on him and he looks up,

“Wh-,” He stops mid-sentence when he sees that Harry’s looking at his arm, with the faded scars. Zayn feels self-conscious all of a sudden and he brings his arm under the table and that snaps Harry out of his trance.

“Sorry.” Harry says and Zayn pushes his chair out hard and a bit dramatically,

“I’m going to eat in my room.” He says because now he feels like all they can see is this scarred and scared little boy when for Christ Sakes he’s trying to be better for them and it’s so ridiculous.

“Zayn.” Harry says softly but Zayn’s already slamming the door behind him. He realizes he’s acting like some hormonal teenager but he knows that his anger is justified. It’s not fair! He sits there the whole morning in his room eating and listening to music, when he finally gets out of the room it’s about one and he wants to get out of the house.

Harry’s sitting on the couch but Louis’ gone,

“Where’s your other limb?” Zayn questions and Harry looks up at him,

“Uhm working, he got a nurse job in that hospital. London General.” Harry says slowly and Zayn nods,

“Uhm I’m going out.” He says and Harry’s immediately up,

“I’ll drive you… where do you want to go?” He questions and Zayn sighs while rubbing his temple, he guesses that Harry’s not letting him go places by himself.

“I’m not going to go kill myself in the woods Harry.” Zayn says and Harry flinches then swallows,

“I know… I just want to be there with you.” He says and Zayn rolls his eyes but he isn’t going to fight Harry, not now. He’s usually a stubborn person but he feels too tired and his limbs and bones ache and he really doesn’t want to have an angry screaming match with his best friend right then.

“Okay whatever.” Zayn says and he walks out the door. The doors to Harry’s truck are locked so Zayn can’t get in so he just stands there tugging at the door handle as Harry comes and opens the door for him. Zayn gets in and folds his arms in front of him,

“Where do you want to go?” Harry questions and Zayn shrugs,

“I don’t really give a shit Harry I just wanted to get out of the apartment.” Zayn snaps and Harry sighs then puts the key into the ignition and then they’re out of the parking space, driving down London. Harry turns on the radio and a random song comes on,

 _Don't let me tumble away_  
into the throws of the shadowy bay  
I cling to the rock  
and it's crumbling off

~

Niall works at a coffee shop, he’s worked at a coffee shop since Zayn’s known him. It’s a hole in the wall place named ‘Spencer’s’ and it has all these low calorie snacks and low calorie coffee… Zayn never knew that was a thing. Zayn would come in on bad days and Niall would give him free pastries even though he wasn’t allowed too. ‘

When Harry pulls up to Spencer’s, Zayn’s out of the car quickly. He doesn’t go in yet as he looks through the glass, some people are seated while others are ordering and leaving. Zayn’s breath catches in his throat when he sees the boy… Liam behind the counter smiling and giving people their orders. Niall is next to him but he’s too busy making out with Leigh whose whole body is hanging off the counter.

“Uhm are you going to get in?” Harry questions from behind him and Zayn nods slowly but he doesn’t budge. He has no idea what it is about Liam but Zayn doesn’t want to be in the presence of someone so perfect and beautiful, he’s smiling down at a little girl with pigtails while giving her a pastry and the smile on his face is so serene and peaceful that it’s magical… in a way. Zayn knows that he’s fucked up and he doesn’t want to taint (?) Liam if that makes any sense.

“Well…” Harry says and then he’s opening the door and Zayn has no choice but to follow in behind him. Liam looks up and when his big coffee colored eyes connect with Zayn’s he burns himself with the coffee he was making,

“Shit.” He hisses causing people around him to look up. Zayn looks down at his slippers (he really had no time to change, for Christ sakes he’s in his pj’s). He follows Harry to go sit in a high chair in front of a counter,

“Zee and Haz!” Leigh screams throwing herself at them,

“Wow you guys finally disconnected.” Harry teases and she pouts,

“Hey don’t be so bitter you have your own man to lock lips with.” Harry laughs,

“Sure of course.”

“Uhm welcome to Spencer’s what can I get you?” Liam suddenly asks and both Harry and Zayn look up at him. Harry laughs,

“Liam man you don’t have to do all that cordial shit. Just give me an iced latte with a muffin.” Harry says and Liam blushes while writing that down. He looks up expectantly at Zayn,

“Coffee black with three sugars.” He says and Liam nods,

“Er coming right up.” Zayn can’t help but watch as he walks over to the coffee machine and put in the two cups. He lets himself study the gorgeous boy and he’s just so stunning with these wide innocent eyes and these lips… Zayn knows that he shouldn’t do this to himself because Liam could be straight and even if he wasn’t… he’s Zayn. Zayn who’s practically broken and has all these nooks and crannies and Zayn’s never been one to fit really.

“Zayn?” Niall’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts and Zayn looks up at Niall who’s grinning, “What were you looking at, bud?” He questions and Zayn shakes his head,

“Nobody.” Niall laughs,

“Alright… anyways it’s almost Pez-head’s birthday.” Niall says and Zayn nods slowly thinking of Perrie’s July birthday coming up. “What should we do? Big party? Small party? Dinner? Mini-golf, we’re stumped.” Niall says but Zayn can’t reply because Liam’s returning with their drinks. He hands Harry’s his first and then he gives Zayn his and their fingers brush but Zayn ignores it the best he can and it’s not really possible because he feels tingles everywhere. “Zayn?” Niall asks and Zayn shrugs,

“I don’t know… not really. I think she’ll like anything you give her.” Zayn mutters as he stares down into his coffee. It feels so weird how normal his friends are acting! He was in rehab for almost killing himself and they’re acting as if he went on a vacation and now he’s back. Zayn doesn’t really know what he wants because he doesn’t want his friends making a big deal about the rehab thing but then again he wants them to acknowledge the fact that it actually happened. He feels conflicted and emotionally tired.

“You okay babe?” Leigh questions and Zayn nods,

“Yeah.” He’s not though, not that much. His heart feels heavy and so does his eyelids, he takes a sip of his coffee. He plays with his fingers as he tries to keep his mind occupied, what is he going to do now? He’s in London, his family is in London too but he doesn’t want to see them. He remembers his sisters visiting when he began rehab, all three of them had tears in their eyes and Doniya his older sister had looked so much like their mother than that Zayn didn’t want to look at her ever again.

After about three visits they stopped coming back. Zayn hadn’t seen them in a long time and he didn’t know what to say or do,

“What do you plan on doing now that your back?” Leigh asks after the extended silence. Zayn’s head is down so he doesn’t see the way Harry’s shoulders sag, or the way Niall’s wonderful blue eyes seem dull and tired. Leigh’s smile is small and fake, trying to let Zayn know that she cares. Zayn wants to say art or get back to school but Liam’s right there with a book open in front of him,

“What book are you reading?” Zayn finds himself asking Liam and completely ignoring Leigh’s question. Liam lifts his head and blushes,

“Crush by Richard Siken.” He says softly and Zayn almost falls off his chair because he’s not the only person who reads Siken religiously? He’s never met someone who’s actually known who he was let only read his poetry and Zayn should run now because Liam cannot be that perfect, he is not a movie character.

“Really?” Zayn asks softly and Liam nods showing Zayn the cover, “I really like his poetry.” Zayn finally says and Liam smiles a bit,

“Yeah me too. I’m not a big reader but I picked up his book on accident and I just… couldn’t put it down.” Liam finishes blushing and smiling at the same time. Zayn drums his thumbs on his thighs and usually when people say they don’t read it’s like an immediate turn off for Zayn but with Liam it’s so endearing.

“I’ve read it so much… I think it’s gotten a bit creepy.” Zayn says with a smile and then Liam’s sliding down further so he’s right across from Zayn,

“No it’s beautiful… uhm here this is my favorite line.” Liam says as he begins to skim through the page he’s on and Zayn tries not to think about the fact that Liam’s just said something he loves is beautiful. Zayn turns his head and he sees Leigh, Niall and Harry giving him small smiles and Zayn blushes. He doesn’t want his friends thinking he has a crush (pun not intended?) because he doesn’t. He just likes when he has things in common with people and especially with a person like Liam who doesn’t know about why he’s been gone for six months and who’s just really beautiful and has this small reserved smile. Zayn likes his colors… yeah. Because he’s not bright like red or orange, he’s a cool silver and a mellow yellow. He thinks if he were to ever paint Liam there would be lots of brown and blank spaces because Zayn doesn’t know much about him yet, doesn’t really know his story but he wants to find out.  

“Here” Liam says pushing the book softly at him and showing him the line,

  _Sorry about the bony elbows, sorry we lived here, sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud._

Zayn bites his lip because he really loves that line too but it isn’t his favorite, “Can I see?” He asks Liam slowly and he smiles,

“Of course.” Liam takes it from him and his only have to dart down one line until he is finding his favorite line. It always made him hurt inside because of how relevant it is and he hasn’t read Crush for a long time but he still remembers the feelings he associated with it. Yearning was a big one.

“There.” Zayn says and he watches as Liam’s eyes follow his finger,

_You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together to make a creature that will do what I say or love me back._

Liam looks up at him and Zayn bites his lip and looks down. Someone walks in at that moment and Liam excuses himself and starts helping the person. Zayn just sits there and listens to his friends talk amongst him and all he can see is Liam’s eyes looking at him, probably wondering,

_Why are you so broken?_

Zayn was wrong about the walls; they’re barbed wire and electric now.

~

They stay for a long time and at one point some music comes on. Zayn watches Liam in his element and Zayn’s holding Liam’s book because Liam told him that he could read it and that’s all Zayn’s been doing. He likes thinking about the fact that at one point Liam sat at home by himself probably read the book, flipping through pages and really thinking about the words amongst the literal. It makes Zayn smile inside because he likes words; they help him create his art. He’s been letting his eyes skim the words and they’re all so familiar but Zayn wonders how writers do that, create something beautiful out of something that was once a thought. Zayn’s always wanted to do that with his drawing, create something beautiful that makes people _ooh and ahh_ as if he did something beautiful when really he just took emotions and put them on an easel.

“I’m off now.” Liam says suddenly and Zayn looks up at him,

“Alright… uhm here’s your book back.” Zayn says holding it out to Liam. Liam looks down at it and rubs the back of his neck,

“Thanks.” He says then he takes the book out of Zayn’s hand slowly and he looks like he’s itching to say something but he doesn’t say anything. Zayn wants him to do, want him to spew out whatever because Liam could speak gibberish and Zayn would listen. All Zayn can really do is watch as he does that awkward half wave thing and leave and all Zayn can do is stare after him, _no… come back._ But he doesn’t say anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	3. i won't run away this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why does everyone think that I’m suddenly going to kill myself? Nobody cared last time.” He replies, 
> 
> “That’s not fair.” She says softly and Zayn know it isn’t. He knows that it’s wrong to take out all his anger on Perrie, all his sadness and desperation but he doesn’t like feeling helpless. He doesn’t like the fact that she’s here because Harry and Louis aren’t.

Zayn and Harry enter the flat and Harry flicks the lights on. They’re met by a very infuriated looking Louis and Zayn notes that under the infuriation is panic because his hair is in disarray and he looks like he’s going to go crazy.

“Where have you two been?” Louis asks shrilly and Harry steps closer to Louis,

“We were at Spencer’s, Louis. Are you alright?” Harry asks and Louis’ eyes flick over to Zayn.

“Do you know how long I’ve been calling?” Louis questions running a hand through his hair which he seems to have been doing a lot giving the condition of it.

“Louis my phone died, you know I have an annoying habit of not charging it.” Harry replies but Louis doesn’t look comforted at all, just manic. He bounces on his toes and then he says,

“Call next time alright!” Zayn feels himself recoiling because Louis keeps shooting him looks and maybe he’s angry with him. Maybe Louis actually didn’t want him here and maybe he’s angry with Zayn for taking Harry out of the house.

“Alright Louis we will but what’s the problem?” Harry asks and Louis just shakes his head,

“Nothing. Dinner’s ready… I can’t believe you were at the café all afternoon.” Louis says still a bit angry but calmer. Harry follows him to the kitchen and all Zayn can do is stand there with sadness creeping in. Of course Louis would hate him it’s not hard to do; Zayn’s just came in with all his issues and rough edges and tried to fit into their lives. Zayn slumps his shoulders and makes a beeline for his room, remembering that he has to take his pills and call Jennifer. He doesn’t really know what he’s feeling and he’s trying to not to shut down because Jennifer always told him that shutting down wasn’t healthy.

He shuts the door behind him and goes over to his suitcase that he hasn’t unpacked. All he has is clothes, pills and little pamphlets on how to get better. Zayn takes out his pills and sits on the floor with his legs crossed as he reads the paper.

_Malik, J, Zayn_

_PRISTIQ_

_2 pills daily_

Zayn stares and he wonders what would happen if he took more… he’s not going too they’re just thoughts. He just wants to feel airy like he did while talking to Liam because with Liam the fact that he had been in rehab didn’t matter, the fact that he had scars didn’t matter and the fact that being happy was such a chore didn’t matter. His problems didn’t matter and for a moment it was just him and brown eyes staring into him and asking a question that Zayn didn’t know the answer to. Zayn almost laughs at himself because he’s had one conversation with Liam and he already wants to be around him more.

He’s already in too deep.

Zayn snaps out of his thoughts and opens the bottle of pills, and drops two blue pills into his palm. He closes them and then he throws them into his mouth, letting the round tablets move down his throats.

Happy pills.

After he sits there for a bit he starts rummaging through his suitcase for Jennifer’s card and he finally finds it, in a tiny little pocket of his suitcase. He takes his phone off the countertop where he had left it and his eyes widen when he sees missed calls from Louis but they abruptly stop after three calls which Zayn assumes is when Louis realized that he had left it. Zayn sighs and taps in Jennifer’s number quickly and of course she picks up on the third ring,

“Jennifer Torres’ office, this is Jennifer how may I help you?” She asks her usual air of professionalism showing in her voice,

“Hi Jennifer this is Zayn.” Zayn says leaning on the bed,

“Zayn, oh sweetie how are you?” She questions,

“I’m fine.” He replies but he’s not… not really. He still feels like an intruder and he doesn’t really feel comfortable in his scarred and bruised skin.

“Are you?” Jennifer asks softly and Zayn is silent for a bit then he says,

“I don’t think Louis wants me around and I don’t blame him at all.” Zayn starts to pick at the cotton of his pajama bottoms after he says it,

“And why do you think that?” Jennifer questions going straight to business,

“He seems upset with me. He doesn’t talk to me unless he absolutely has to.” Zayn says and he realizes that he’s really upset by this. It’s not much anger but more of despair because in the pit of his stomach he knows that he seeks out acceptance from people especially ones he cares about and the fact that Louis is angry with him makes him restless.

“Oh? Have you spoken to him about it?” Jennifer asks him,

“No… I don’t think he likes me much anymore.” He replies and he wants to sob. He feels emotional and stupid,

“Zayn you know it’s wrong to assume things. Louis could feel trapped or worried about you, maybe he’s trying to give you space.” Jennifer replies,

“I don’t know. I understand him not liking me… I don’t like me much either.” Zayn replies and the back of his eyes feel hot. He doesn’t want to cry.

“Zayn… there’s no reason to get riled up. Calm down hun. Now think about it in Louis’ shoes for a minute, his best friend who tried to kill himself comes back six months later. That’s some pretty climatic stuff to happen to one person… speak to him alright?” Jennifer asks in that soft soothing voice she uses when Zayn turns into some kind of bumbling fool,

“Alright.” Zayn replies furiously wiping at his eyes,

“Now is there anything else you want to tell me?” Jennifer asks and Zayn wants to tell her about Liam but at the same time he doesn’t. He knows it’s a selfish way of thinking but he wants Liam to himself, even if he isn’t his. Even if he never will be.  

“No.” Zayn says,

“Did you take your anti-depressants?” Jennifer questions,

“Yes.” Zayn replies,

“Are you okay?” She asks,

“Yes.” Zayn lies, “Bye Jennifer. Talk to you tomorrow.” He hangs up before she can say anything. He sighs and throws his phone down into his suitcase and then he’s standing up and crawling onto his bed face down. He takes his pillow and covers his head with it. He hears clanking and talking in the living room and he doesn’t belong, not one bit. He sobs into his sheets.

~

Zayn wakes up with puffy eyes and Perrie in his bedroom ruffling around. He doesn’t say anything when he sees her he just watches her for a bit. She floats around the room, touching things and humming Round and Round by Imagine Dragons to herself. Zayn smiles a bit because Perrie has that effect on him; he thinks that if he was straight she’d be his first choice no doubt.

Because she’s just so beautiful and she has this personality that has Zayn reeling… she’s kind of perfect. But Zayn isn’t so she settles into the role of best friend beautifully,

“Hi.” Zayn finally says and Perrie immediately turns around and she beams at him with her blue eyes shining brightly.

“Hi babe… your eyes are red.” She says walking over and sitting on the bed next to her. Zayn looks at her and lets out a sigh,

“Sorry.” He says,

“Don’t apologize… are you okay though?” She asks and Zayn nods closing his eyes as she runs her hand through his hair. He tries not to purr but he likes when people rub his scalp,

“Mmhmm.” Zayn says,

“Wanted to check up on you. Both Harry and Louis went to work.” She says,

“I need a babysitter?” Zayn inquires slowly,

“Of course not babe but you know… they worry.” She says,

“Harry worries.” Zayn replies,

“What does that mean?” She questions softly,

“Nothing Pez-head… I’m just tired.” He says.

“Of what?” She asks and he lets an eye open as he looks up at her. She’s staring down at him with sad eyes,

“Nothing.” Zayn says and she huffs,

“If something’s wrong Zayn I want to know.” She replies and he lets out a bitter laugh,

“Why does everyone think that I’m suddenly going to kill myself? Nobody cared last time.” He replies,

“That’s not fair.” She says softly and Zayn know it isn’t. He knows that it’s wrong to take out all his anger on Perrie, all his sadness and desperation but he doesn’t like feeling helpless. He doesn’t like the fact that she’s here because Harry and Louis aren’t.

“I’m sorry.” Zayn says,

“Let’s make some pancakes.” Perrie says.

~

Perrie likes to cook a lot and when she said ‘let’s make some pancakes’ she really meant she was going to make the pancakes and Zayn was to sit and watch her. That’s what he’s doing as she plugs in the portable radio and starts taking out the ingredients. The Civil Wars start playing and Zayn bops his head along,

“So guess who asked about you.” Perrie says as she starts preheating the pan,

“Who?” Zayn questions and he’s confused. Who could be asking for him? Nobody knows about him being back except for his friends and Perrie wouldn’t have made it seem so ominous if it was just Jade wanting to shoot some hoops or Jesy wanting someone to compliment her singing voice.

“Liam.” Perrie says glancing up at him and Zayn’s eyes widen but he tries not to let it show,

“Liam?” He questions and she nods,

“He came over yesterday and was asking questions about you but I told him he had to get it from you.” Perrie says winking at him and Zayn ducks his head,

“I don’t understand.” He says and she looks up,

“What don’t you understand?” She asks as the Civil Wars song Falling comes on,

“Why was he asking about me?” Zayn asks and she laughs,

“Because he likes you.” She replies and Zayn shakes his head. Liam doesn’t like him because he’s an unlikeable thing. He’s weird and too quiet and even though Liam doesn’t know about his problems Liam doesn’t know him and if he did he’d be running. So Perrie’s wrong and Zayn doesn’t even have hopes for Liam, Liam’s too much of a good guy. Too clean cut and beautiful.

“No he doesn’t.” Zayn say and Perrie looks at him as she starts flipping the pancake batter,

“Why wouldn’t he, Zayn? You’re a great catch.” She says and Zayn snorts. Of course she would say that she’s his best friend but she doesn’t understand that Zayn doesn’t see ‘the great catch’ that Perrie is speaking of. He’s been told he’s attractive but he feels like his attraction has gone up in smoke just like his sanity and his self-worth.

“I don’t think so Perrie.” He says and she looks up at him with pity,

“You know we all love you, Zayn. No matter how much you don’t love yourself we do because we see something there… something beautiful.” She says and all Zayn can do is stare at her. He doesn’t want to shut down her idea and make her feel bad but he doesn’t believe her because what the hell are they looking at? When she realizes he isn’t going to say anything she sighs, “Are you going to start art again?”

“Uhm I don’t know.” Zayn replies and she looks at him,

“You should. You’re really good.” She declares. Zayn knows he’s good at art but he doesn’t know what to draw if he got that pencil, he doesn’t know how he could ever draw feelings when he has no idea what he’s feeling half the time.

“Thanks but… I wouldn’t know where to start.” He says. She smiles,

“You’ll find what you need soon Zayn… did you quit smoking?” Perrie asks him and at this Zayn gives a bashful smile. He stopped smoking ever since he started hardcore treatment at Neumann, he’s proud of himself because Jennifer always told him smoking was an excuse for him to waste away.

“Uhm yeah.” He says and she smiles at him,

“I’m so proud of you Zayn… with everything.” She says,

“Thanks.”

~

Zayn walks to the library when Harry gets home. Harry makes sure he’s okay and then he falls asleep on the couch which gives Zayn a great excuse to sneak out of the house silently. He has a hat on and sweat pants and a t-shirt. He’s kind of jittery because he had taken a shower and seeing his scars outside of Neumann; outside of a place where everyone was like him was a scary thing.

He wonders if he’ll actually ever make progress because nothing in his brain tells him that hurting himself was wrong… he’s justifying the scars in a way.

_I had to do that because I was sad._

_I needed some release._

_There was a reason that this scar is especially deep._

He mostly stared at the suicide scar though which is what he called that one scar on his wrist that almost killed him. It’s not as lined up and proper as the rest, it’s rushed and depressing. Zayn remembers the night and he doesn’t want too.

When Zayn snaps out of his thoughts he’s in front of the brick walls that make up the small library tucked away on the outskirts of town. This library is so familiar to him; he remembers just tucking himself away from the world for hours on end.

He didn’t want anyone to find him and nobody ever did.

When he enters there aren’t much people. There are two teenagers who’re giggling at a book that says ‘The Male Body’ in big bold letters and there’s a coffee skinned woman sitting on the computers. He smiles at the librarians and immediately high tails it to the poetry section. He walks around for a bit and the library is so quiet and peaceful that he wishes that he could live there, make a home in the bookshelf and wake up with Poe or Siken. That’d be nice… that’d be beautiful.

He turns a corner at the poetry section and he immediately thinks.

_Oh fuck._

Because Liam is right there looking at the books with ear buds in, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. Zayn watches him, dressed in loose fitting jeans, chucks and a baseball tee. He looks so peaceful and so other-worldly that he makes Zayn’s head spin. How is one boy so perfect so beautiful? How does one boy fit so well into Zayn’s brain? Because Liam clicks in a way that nobody else ever had because Liam doesn’t look at him like he wants to shag Zayn into oblivion, he looks at Zayn like he wants to get to know him. And that’s scary.

Zayn’s about to turn and walk away but then Liam turns his head and their eyes lock. Zayn stands there struck frozen in his place and he watches as Liam pulls off his ear buds one by one,

“Hey.” He says,

“Hi.” Zayn replies. 

_All the emptiness inside you_   
_Is hard enough to fill_   
_Without a sense of purpose_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are greatly appreciated :)


	4. it's fragile and it's messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My therapist Jennifer says that things may seem horrible now but things happen for a reason and sometimes people leave because they have fears themselves and they don’t know how to face them let alone drag someone down with them, especially ones they love. And we should never blame ourselves for something that was out of our power because then we start losing our self-worth… nobody should do that to themselves. She also says communication is a big factor.” Zayn blurts out and he hates how he sounds like he’s just talking some psycho-babble shit and he really hopes Harry doesn’t laugh at him.

“What are you doing here?” Liam asks stepping closer to Zayn while Zayn’s still standing there and trying to get over the relative shock of seeing Liam again. He hopes that his brain stops fizzling out and that he can keep up a normal conversation with him. Then he notices that he’s just staring at Liam when Liam just asked him a question,

“Uhm books.” Zayn manages to blurt and Liam smiles,

“Are you incognito?” He asks and Zayn’s confused for a second but then the hat. He smiles and nods,

“Yeah don’t want the librarians to recognize me you know.” He whispers and Liam chuckles. He rubs at his chin and he looks at Zayn intensely for a moment and Zayn averts his gaze,

“So getting books?” Zayn asks and Liam nods,

“Yeah. When I’m not in school I have to keep hitting the books you know, so my knowledge doesn’t wither.” Liam says and Zayn just smiles at him. He shuffles as Liam looks from the books to him, “Aren’t you gonna get a book?” Liam ask and Zayn looks at him then nods,

“Yeah of course.” He says walking closer to Liam. He stares at the bookshelf but makes no move to get any books because from his peripheral vision he can see Liam breathing and Liam at that moment is everything and nothing at the same time. Zayn doesn’t know why he does it but he pinches his skin and he reminds himself that he’s damaged and that he shouldn’t get his hopes up about Liam. He keeps pinching his arm until Liam’s big yet soft hand is on his shoulder. Electricity runs through his skin, hot and tingling and he wants Liam to never stop touching him and then,

“Are you alright?” Zayn stops trying to peel his skin off and he looks towards Liam who’s giving him a soft yet confused smile and Zayn nods,

“I’m fine.” Then it’s silent. Liam nods and Zayn knows he’s making it awkward and he doesn’t know how to make it normal. He doesn’t know if he should crack a joke or just flirt shamelessly with Liam so he doesn’t do anything but stand there as Liam starts fingering through books and Liam’s just so nice because he doesn’t call Zayn out on his odd behavior and it makes him feel better in a way.

Liam pulls a book off the shelf and he looks at it.

“Dr. Seuss?” Zayn finds himself asking and Liam looks up at him with a blush tinting his cheeks,

“You’re never too old for Sam I Am.” Liam says holding up Green Eggs and Ham. Zayn bites his lip and he chuckles because leave it up to Liam to be so cute while blushing and holding up a kid’s book.

“No… you’re not.” Zayn replies. Liam smiles again and then he says,

“Wanna read it together?” Zayn knows he should say no because he knows himself. He knows that he has this bad habit of falling for the simplest things like the way people read books or hands or something so he should be smart and tell Liam he can’t but he doesn’t because he’s an idiot and a glutton for punishment.

“Okay.” He says and Liam smiles at him.

“Come.” He says and they walk over to the little secluded reading area with the comfortable soft chairs and it always smells like tapioca and coffee beans. Liam sits down and pats the seat next to him and Zayn stares at him. Liam looks like such a puppy and he smiles so beautifully that Zayn can’t resist sitting next to him and curling his legs under himself. Liam smiles and opens the book,

“Sam I am.” He begins and Zayn blushes as Liam’s eyes go up to him and then goes back to the book. Zayn sits there with his hands in his lap and his legs under himself, he watches Liam’s lips curl around the words on the pages and it reminds Zayn of something out of a cheesy novel but this isn’t a cheesy novel it’s his life.

When Liam’s done he looks up at Zayn,

“How was I?” _Beautiful._

“You read really well.” Zayn ends up saying and Liam looks at him again, all intense and calculating as if he’s trying to figure Zayn out. Zayn hopes he doesn’t, Zayn hopes Liam is confused about him and stuff because he doesn’t want Liam to realize that he’s a royal fuck up.

“Yeah I love Dr. Seuss… you know I used to think that Cat in the Hat and Dr. Seuss were the same person, I don’t even know.” Liam says with a chuckle and Zayn giggles,

“Yeah?” He asks and Liam nods,

“Yeah.” He replies and they’re both silent for a bit, both of them staring at each other. Zayn of course breaks it and looks around the library and he says,

“I remember this place so well.” Liam doesn’t say anything but Zayn knows he’s listening and that makes Zayn feel all soft inside. “It’s so beautiful here you know and I would always hide away here because I was a weird person.” Zayn says because he’s not going to tell Liam that some days he felt like killing himself and the only thing that stopped him for a bit was sitting in a silent library and reading.

“That’s not weird.” Liam replies softly and Zayn looks at him and smiles.

“Okay.” He answers because of course Liam would say that because Liam’s perfect and he probably sees the good in everyone. Zayn sits there silently drumming his fingers on his thighs until Liam asks,

“Are you going to start school in the fall?” Zayn’s head snaps towards him and Zayn shrugs,

“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.” He wants to do art and he wants to talk to his family but of course wanting something doesn’t always mean that he’s going to get it. Zayn feels tired and he leans his head on the arm of the couch and he lets his eyes flutter close, “How about you?” He asks Liam and he thinks this is better. If he doesn’t look at Liam he won’t have the urge to kiss him.

“Yeah. It’s going to be my last year.”

“What are you studying?” Zayn questions,

“Well I’m going to become a medical technician because I need that to become a firefighter.” Liam says and Zayn can’t see him but Liam’s probably getting all bashful. Zayn’s silent for a moment as he thinks about Liam in a firefighter suit; it’d probably be pretty hot. (Pun not intended).

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Zayn manages to ask though,

“I guess so but… I’ve always wanted to save people.” Liam says softly and that causes Zayn to crack an eye open and stare at Liam. Liam’s staring at him and he’s just smiling, he doesn’t look like he’s hiding some unknown message for Zayn but Zayn immediately feels uncomfortable like he’s being watched. He shifts and then stands up,

“Well I think I’m leaving now.” Liam looks at him and raises an eyebrow,

“Really?” He asks and Zayn nods,

“It was nice speaking to you Liam.” He says,

“Okay but… can I have your number?” Liam blurts and Zayn’s pretty sure he stops breathing. He doesn’t know why though because it’s just a phone number but he wonders what Liam’s going to do with it… is Liam really going to call him?

“Okay.” Zayn says and he rambles off his number to Liam who already has his phone out. “Bye.” Zayn says and this time he does leave without looking back at Liam Payne.

~

When Zayn gets to the flat Harry’s sitting on the couch and he looks really worried. He has his phone in his hand and a hand in his curls. Harry looks up at him when he steps inside and he lets out a relieved breath,

“Oh thank fucking god.” He says standing up and in long strides he’s hugging Zayn. Zayn doesn’t know what’s going on so he just stands there as Harry embraces him tightly and Zayn can’t breathe and he feels like he’s going to break so he squirms until Harry lets him go. Harry holds him by the shoulder and looks into his eyes intensely,

“Where were you Zayn?” Harry questions and Zayn knows why Harry’s so worried. He’s worried that Zayn had went out and killed himself of course because he may have been in rehab for six months but his friends all know he isn’t a capable person and there is still a possibility he could jump off a bridge or take a blade to his skin again.

“Don’t worry Harry I’m fine.” Zayn says shrugging Harry’s big hand off of him. Harry watches him as he walks to the kitchen,

“Are you?” Harry asks,

“Yes.” Zayn says because he doesn’t want to argue with Harry about something like his personal health. Zayn knows that he isn’t fine or okay or whatever bullshit thing but Harry doesn’t need to know that. He doesn’t need him to breathe down his neck and worry about him like he’s some kind of incompetent child. Harry trails after him into the kitchen,

“If you’re not you can always speak to me.” Harry says and Zayn bites his tongue to keep from angrily snapping.

“Okay, okay.” Zayn says leaning on the refrigerator and Harry smiles at him,

“Good.” He says and Zayn just stares at his best friend. He stands there with his arms crossed and he studies Harry with his bushy hair and bright green eyes, he thinks about being a kid and how Harry had snuck into a supply closet with him because Zayn didn’t want to be around the racist kids at his school and Harry didn’t want to be around the ignorant people. They clicked and they still do like abnormal puzzle pieces and Zayn realizes that no matter how upset and how hopelessly tired he is, he still really needs Harry like all the fucking time.

“Do you want to talk?” Zayn manages to ask when Harry just stands there. He fidgets and then says,

“I think that Louis is upset with me.” Zayn just stands there, an uncomfortable feeling settling into his gut.

“Oh?” He asks and Harry nods,

“I think that he isn’t happy anymore and it hurts because I don’t know what to do. I really love him but he says that he’s thinking of getting more hours at the hospital but I don’t think he really wants to be around me anymore. He was upset even before you came and he says that I should find a better job.” Harry rushes out and all Zayn can do is stand there and stare at his best friend who seems breathless and hopelessly sad.

“I… don’t know what to say.” Zayn says because he doesn’t. He’s not going to say he’s sorry because he knows that people hate hearing that… he knows he does. Harry shrugs,

“I’m okay… just in a stump. What if he leaves me?” Harry questions. His eyes look tired and under there is fear laced with desperation. Zayn fidgets with his fingers then he says,

“My therapist Jennifer says that things may seem horrible now but things happen for a reason and sometimes people leave because they have fears themselves and they don’t know how to face them let alone drag someone down with them, especially ones they love. And we should never blame ourselves for something that was out of our power because then we start losing our self-worth… nobody should do that to themselves. She also says communication is a big factor.” Zayn blurts out and he hates how he sounds like he’s just talking some psycho-babble shit and he really hopes Harry doesn’t laugh at him.

“I can’t communicate with him if he refuses to speak to me or see me… or even let me touch him.” Harry says and Zayn shrugs,

“I don’t know.”

Harry sighs and runs a hand through his chestnut curls then he wraps an arm around Zayn’s shoulders,

“Wanna watch The Ides of March?” Harry asks and Zayn raises an eyebrow,

“Not really.”

“The Lion King?”

“Sure.”

~

Zayn wakes up to the door clicking close and he watches as Louis softly trails into the house. It’s dark out and Harry’s behind him because they fell asleep on the couch while watching the movie. Louis’ eyes immediately go to Zayn and they lock eyes for a bit until Louis says,

“Hey.” Zayn sits up and says,

“Hi.” Silence after that. Harry’s soft breathing is the only thing that can be heard until Louis says,

“Want some tea?” Zayn nods and detangles Harry’s arm from his middle. He stands up and pads to the kitchen after Louis who’s already there. Louis turns on the light and Zayn hops on a counter and watches as Louis in his scrubs and disheveled hair puts the tea on the kettle.

“How was work?” Zayn finds himself asking. Louis’ silent for a bit and then he leans on the counter adjacent to the one Zayn’s sitting on. Zayn notes that he’s gripping the counter really tightly and his fists are getting paler by the second. He lets out a little bitter laugh then he says,

“There was a girl today who came in unconscious at the ICU because she had overdosed on some pills. She had to get her stomach pumped because she tried to kill herself.” Louis finishes and Zayn can hear his heart thrumming under his chest. He doesn’t know why Louis is telling him this because he doesn’t want to hear it. He swings his legs and Louis sniffles, “And I just… I talked to her and she said all these horrible things about herself and she had these burn marks on her skin.” Louis says covering his face and all Zayn can do is watch Louis unfold, “And I’m just so scared of not being able to save someone.”

_I’ve always wanted to save people._

“Oh.” Zayn manages to say. He tries to imagine Louis there, the strong and confident Louis that he knows watching this girl sit there and say shit about herself shit that Zayn thinks about himself every day. He imagines Louis recoiling on himself with every word because Louis is the kind of person who can’t listen to people speak bad about themselves because Louis grew up with sisters and Louis prides himself in being the protective older brother that holds and heals. He has to be the savior he has to be strong and when he realizes that he can’t… he breaks.

The kettle starts whistling and it snaps Zayn out of his thoughts. Louis uncovers his face and goes over to the kettle and pours tea into two cups. He gives one to Zayn. Zayn can see that his cerulean eyes are glassy with tears and he looks so haggard and holder than his 21 years.

“Good night Zayn.” He mutters,

“Aren’t you going to wake Harry?” Zayn questions as he watches Louis start to walk down the hall to his room. Louis stops and sighs,

“No… I’m not.” Zayn watches in silence as Louis disappears into his room, the door clicking close behind him. Zayn sits there with the tea getting cold in his hands. Zayn knows that Louis and him still have words left unsaid, things that are hiding under the surface but this night standing there with his best friend and watching him open up about something so fragile was good enough even if just for a little bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated and I'm sorry if I'm going slow with the whole romance shit, I just want to actually focus on Zayn's life even though Liam is gonna become a factor and I'm pretty sure I should change the summary


	5. you can sink to the bottom of the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You're so ugly.” He hisses at himself in the mirror, “God Zayn why are you so ugly? Maybe that’s why your mother’s drinking herself to death, because of you… because you were ugly and you weren't good enough. You couldn't even get a job to help your father and your sisters because you were always so hung up on yourself!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very depressed at this moment and writing this gave me to much emotions to work with and i think i failed

Zayn’s numb and his bones feel like jelly inside of him as he lies there, staring at the white ceiling and all he can think of is suicide. It’s not even the act of committing; it’s the feeling when it’s happening. When the flashes of light erupt in front of your eyes and you sink until everything muddles along and you can’t feel anything besides your heart losing feeling inside of you. Zayn lies there that morning with the sun creating spots of light inside of his room and he thinks of death and suicide.

He knows that he should probably get up, take his pills and call Jennifer because she hates when he thinks of himself that way. He knows he should but he doesn’t and there’s not really an explanation of why he’s doing this to himself except for the simple fact that feeling nothing is better than feeling every damn thing.

There’s suddenly a soft knocking at his door and Zayn doesn’t make a move to get up or to alert the person that he’s there. The door opens after the person knocks three times in succession and it’s Leigh, Zayn thinks it’s a miracle that Niall’s not with her.

“Hey.” She says and Zayn stares at her, “Come to Spencer’s with me. Jade, Jesy, Niall and Liam are going to be there. We’re gonna start real planning for Pez’s birthday.” She say leaning on the doorframe. Zayn tries not to flinch at the thought of Liam and the fact that Liam has his number and the fact that if Liam wanted too Liam could call him but Liam doesn’t want too and plus why would he?

Worry clouds her face,

“Are you okay Zaynie?” She asks. He doesn’t reply because he doesn’t think he can, not when his heart feels immensely heavy and all he can think of is death and depression. He thinks of his sisters and he wonders what they’re doing, then he thinks of their father who was not going to receive the world’s best dad award anytime soon but he tried his best and then there was his mother who was in and out of rehab for her addiction and she was drowning them all in debt and Zayn feels so… guilty!

Because here he is feeling so fucking guilty for himself when his sisters probably have no food to eat, when his dad is working overtime as some dumb telemarketer and his mother is probably so close to death and all he is doing is complaining. He just feels like such a horrible person, like a fake! How can he be sad when there is so much worse than him?

“Zayn answer me, Zayn stop pinching your skin! Sweetie what are you doing?” Leigh says frantically while shaking his shoulders and Zayn immediately stops pulling at his skin and it scares him that he didn’t notice that he was hurting himself. Zayn’s breath comes out raggedly and before he knows it the numbness feeling breaks like a dam and he’s bawling into Leigh’s shoulder and he’s just so mad at himself! He hates who he is! He hates everything about him and he doesn’t know why he’s living and his head pounds and he doesn’t know why.

~

Zayn’s cried himself out and he’s trying to brush his teeth in the bathroom but he can hear Leigh speaking to Niall,

“He was just motionless at first like a robot and then he started sobbing. Like he just couldn’t stop babe and he was literally pinching his skin… trying to peel it off yeah and I don’t know what to do. Yeah we’re coming… he’s brushing his teeth… should I check on him?” There’s silence for a moment and then Leigh’s knocking on the door softly,

“Zayn?” She asks,

“Yeah.” He replies back hoarsely,

“Are you okay?” She asks softly,

“Mmhmm.” Zayn lies,

“Alright.” She replies and then she’s back on the phone speaking to her boyfriend about Zayn again as if Zayn isn’t in the bathroom. Zayn finishes brushing his teeth and he sticks his toothbrush in the holder then he looks up at his face and he literally hates what he sees in the mirror. He hates his eyes that are too muddy to be beautiful, he hates his skin that’s too dark, he hates his hair and his body and he just hate it all. He hates how out of shape he is and how much better anyone could do then him. He feels hideous and he doesn’t know what brought it on besides his crippling hatred of himself.

“You’re so ugly.” He hisses at himself in the mirror, “God Zayn why are you so ugly? Maybe that’s why your mother’s drinking herself to death, because of you… because you were ugly and you weren’t good enough. You couldn’t even get a job to help your father and your sisters because you were always so hung up on yourself!” He hisses louder and he’s forgotten that Leigh’s right outside of the door.

“Why are you even getting your hopes up about Liam? Liam probably hates you, you’re so annoying and you laugh ugly and everything about you is hideous. God I hate you!” Zayn screams and then in a blink of an eye the glass is breaking and he doesn’t understand the throbbing pain for half of a second or the bloody knuckles. All he can understand is his reflection breaking and why is everything so broken?

“Zayn!” He hears Leigh scream and he turns his head and she’s standing right there in the bathroom and she looks so freaked out and Zayn knows he’s the freak and he’s the reason that she’s in distress. He’s on the floor by then, crumpling in on himself and she’s next to him trying to calm him down and he watches with tears clouding his vision as she dials a number with shaky fingers.

~

Leigh is plucking the shards of glass out of his knuckles when Niall followed by… _Liam_ , Jade and Jesy are stepping into the bathroom. They all step into the bathroom and Liam has a first aid kit in his hands and Zayn’s in so much pain but the fact that Liam is here to fix him the best he can makes him squirm with all these different emotions that he can’t pin point.

“Oh my god.” He hears Jade say as she clings to Jesy in fright and sadness. Jesy’s face twists,

“Oh Zayn what did you do?” Niall grabs Leigh’s hand gently as Liam, in his quiet disposition crawls down to his level and without asking any questions he gingerly takes Zayn’s hand and there’s firecrackers and poppers under his skin because there’s this sensation of surprise a Liam holds his wrist and puts it on his lap.

“Zayn, I’m going to try to make this better okay?” Liam asks softly looking up at Zayn with these eyes and Zayn nods. He watches as Liam takes tweezers and carefully removes the glass and he starts talking gibberish to Zayn and Zayn’s not really paying attention until he is and he almost keels over when he realizes that Liam is fucking reciting Annabel-Lee by Edgar Allan Poe to him. He sounds soft and patient and Zayn watches their hands.

“So that her highborn kinsman came and bore her away from me, to shut her up in a sepulcher in this kingdom by the sea.” Liam says softly and Zayn closes his eyes and tries to breathe through the pain and his knuckles do really hurt, they feel like they’re on fire but Liam’s hand on his and the fact that Liam didn’t ask him how in the world did he hurt his hand… he’s just being perfect and Zayn still can’t get over Liam reciting poetry to him.

He hisses when Liam puts the disinfectant and Liam says,

“Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.” And Liam is no longer cool silver or mellow yellow in his mind, Liam is beautiful pink and surprising purple. He sees beautiful greens because Liam is so lively and soft violets, Liam is so much colors and Zayn wants to paint him but Zayn doesn’t think he can do Liam justice. He can’t show people Liam’s voice, how soft it is when it’s spewing out Edgar Allan Poe or how it is in normal conversation.

“I’m going to bandage it now.” Liam says and Zayn finally remembers his friends in the room so he looks up and sees Jade flinching at everything, Jesy just looks upset, Niall’s stony-faced and Leigh’s face is buried into Niall’s shoulder. Zayn thinks that she’s crying and he realizes with sadness that he’s the reason that his friends are so miserable right now because they probably wanted to sit and talk about Perrie and her birthday but Zayn had to have an episode. Zayn knows he doesn’t deserve these people because they’re sticking by Zayn at his absolute zero and Zayn wouldn’t even stick by himself at his best.

“Alright, you’re good.” Liam says and Zayn looks down at his hand, wrapped up in a band aid and he swallows then stands up on wobbly legs. He looks at all his friends and the fact that they’re here when he’s screwing everything up fills him with despair so he slowly pushes past them, goes to his room and slams the door shut behind him.

He doesn’t want anyone looking at him, not now and not ever.

~

His friends don’t leave and about 3 hours of laying in his bed motionless he hears when Harry walks in and Harry asks,

“Why are you all here?”

“Zayn’s in his room.” Comes Jesy’s reply that doesn’t really answer Harry’s question and Zayn wants to sob because Liam probably knows everything now and Liam probably thinks he’s crazy and hideous. He hates himself and what he’s become, he hates how many lives he’s ruined and when Harry knocks on his door and tries to get it open Zayn doesn’t do anything. He just lays there and prays for them to go away. He hears Harry walk to the bathroom and the,

“What the fuck?” That escapes his lips and then Leigh’s spewing out what happened in hushed whispers and Zayn curls up in his bed and he brings the pillow to his ears and he sticks his good fist into his mouth and he bites it and bites it to keep from screaming, he bites it till its bleeding and then he falls asleep.

He sleeps till five in the afternoon and he doesn’t want to get up but he wants to see Liam which is… weird. He wants for Liam to sit on his bed and he wants Liam to recite fucking Shakespeare to him till Zayn’s ears feel as if they’ll bleed. He wants and he wants but nothing happens and he’s pretty sure that all his friends are gone.

He hears Harry’s soft footsteps and then he hears Harry crying, soft and sniffling but Zayn knows because Zayn knows Harry. Zayn thinks that it’s horrible that he doesn’t even try to get up but he doesn’t know what Harry expects him to do so Zayn just lays there.

“Zayn I’m sorry that you got overwhelmed. I’m sorry that you think all those things about you and I’m not mad about the mirror, we can’t lose you babe. I don’t want you hurting yourself; can you cough so I know that you’re breathing?” Harry asks but Zayn doesn’t do a thing. He just stares at the wall until all he can see is blood and shards. Harry starts crying again,

“Zayn… Zayn… Zayn.” He repeats and Zayn just lays there. “The others are gone it’s just us.” _Liar._ Zayn thinks and he squeezes his eyes shut and he presses the pillow harder to his ears and he hopes and he prays that he never hears Harry’s voice or anyone’s ever again.

When Zayn falls back asleep he dreams of paint splatters, shards and himself. And even seeing himself in a dream sucks because he’s so ugly and he doesn’t know what he’s living for half the time and there’s Liam sitting on a couch with a book of short stories in his hand and he’s just reading and Zayn’s hand is no longer bloody and Liam’s just covered in paint which takes a whole new meaning to work of art and Zayn flings himself at Liam and when he opens his eyes, it’s four in the morning, he’s alone and his hand aches. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Edgar Allan Poe for writing Annabel-Lee, one of my fave poems ever btdubs


	6. good at running away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes but I work here. I have to be.” He replies watching Zayn. Zayn though is watching Liam all the same; he’s dressed in a normal white t-shirt and some tight fitting black jeans with white chucks. He’s smiling and he looks like a puppy that Zayn had found on the street one day that he had fed for a whole week until he realized that they barely could afford food for themselves let alone some stray dog. Liam’s so good looking that it makes Zayn’s head hurt because when Zayn thinks about it in his head he really likes looking at Liam but at the same time he really hates the guy because he’s so beautiful and Zayn could never look like that no matter how much he wants too. He could never be someone worth wanting.

They’re fighting. Zayn’s hand feels numb and cold against the ice pack he is holding to it and Louis is just screaming ‘i hate you’ every few seconds like it’s some kind of unknown prayer… an unknown religion. Harry’s asking Louis questions and demanding answers but Zayn doesn’t think Harry knows what he’s asking for. Zayn doesn’t think anybody ever knows what they’ve asked for until they receive it.

It’s been a week since the incident. Since he sliced his knuckles open and in that one week span he’s barely came out of his room and when he does, it’s to an empty house or a very angry/sad/disappointed or whatever emotion Harry is feeling that day Harry. So Zayn likes staying in his room more, it gives him more time to think. He’s been thinking a lot about colors and drawing now, he wants to draw and he told Jennifer this when he called her that one time (he’s supposed to be calling her everyday but Zayn has commitments… such as shutting down emotionally and not speaking). Jennifer says that maybe he should get out, walk around London for a bit and get all his muses together create a giant painting.

But Zayn’s already found a muse in a boy with soft eyes and an eye for literature. Anyways, Harry and Louis are fighting and Zayn doesn’t really know what to do. He doesn’t know what they’re fighting about, Louis coming home late or something. Zayn thinks that maybe he should feel more perspective into Louis distancing himself from a relationship he worked so hard to build up but all he sees is a castle made of sand and that castle billowing away into the mist of anger, sadness and depression.

And Zayn does see Louis in a way but he sees Harry, someone trying to make it work. Zayn thinks that before rehab he would’ve been on Louis side one hundred percent because Zayn was so good at distancing himself and making everyone else seem like the bad guy but now he understands that maybe sometimes people want to help you. Harry wants to help Louis. Louis should at least try.

Zayn lays there and he lays there and he allows these thoughts to run their course to his tired mind. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do right then. Zayn doesn’t know a lot about things but he does know one thing and it’s that life, no matter how tiresome and fast or slow it gets it will always… go… on.

~

Zayn wakes up the next day at an ungodly hour, he takes his pills because PRISTIQ is the only thing helping him actually get out of bed in the morning. He grabs his phone and he walks out the door… he doesn’t know where he’s going. He walks around the relative neighborhood for a bit, many things are already open. That’s the perks of living in a big city and Zayn finds himself wandering over to Spencer’s. There’s a niggling at the back of his head that tells him that this wasn’t his subconscious that he wants to run into Liam or someone of that sort (mostly Liam though because he’s running through Zayn’s mind like a song on repeat).

When he gets there… Liam’s sitting inside and there’s a book open in front of him. He has a coffee cup in front of him but it looks abandoned. Zayn wonders if he should knock or if he should leave but then suddenly Liam’s eyes stray up and they survey him and Liam looks confused for a second but he’s standing up anyway. All Zayn can do is stand there and watch as Liam unlocks the door and then opens it for him,

“Hi… do you want to come in? We aren’t open yet but I can make you some coffee.” Liam says and Zayn sees his eyes stray to Zayn’s bandaged hand and Zayn nods. Liam opens the door a bit further and lets Zayn walk inside. There’s soft music filtering through some speakers and Liam walks around to the coffee machine and starts putting some coffee on the thing. Zayn just sits there with his hands folded on the counter in front of him. While the coffee beans merge into coffee Liam turns and smiles at him,

“So you’re up early.” He says and Zayn shrugs,

“So are you.” Liam smirks deeper at that,

“Yes but I work here. I have to be.” He replies watching Zayn. Zayn though is watching Liam all the same; he’s dressed in a normal white t-shirt and some tight fitting black jeans with white chucks. He’s smiling and he looks like a puppy that Zayn had found on the street one day that he had fed for a whole week until he realized that they barely could afford food for themselves let alone some stray dog. Liam’s so good looking that it makes Zayn’s head hurt because when Zayn thinks about it in his head he really likes looking at Liam but at the same time he really hates the guy because he’s so beautiful and Zayn could never look like that no matter how much he wants too. He could never be someone worth wanting.  

“How’s the hand?” Liam asks when he’s turned around and checking on the coffee.

“Fine.” Zayn says,

“If you’re in pain I could look at it again.” Liam says,

“Not in pain.” Zayn says.

“Good.” Liam replies turning back around and handing Zayn his coffee. “Coffee black with three sugars if I remember correctly.” Liam says grinning and Zayn’s not going to think about the fact that Liam remembered his coffee order because Liam works at a café; he probably remembers a dozen of orders from a hundred of other insignificant people. Zayn’s nothing special and he’s not going to pretend he is.

“Yeah you did. Thank you.” Zayn states and Liam smiles then he sits down too, right across from Zayn.

“See I don’t like coffee, too much caffeine for me.” Liam says and Zayn points to his mug. Liam blushes while chuckling, “’M afraid that’s just water. I gotta keep up appearances ya know, I mean a guy who works at a café but doesn’t drink the coffee… there’s gonna be some questions.” He explains and Zayn nods solemnly,

“Because I’m sure customers have time to look at your cup and wonder what’s in it while they’re in a rush trying to get their coffee.” He says and Liam smiles,

“Thanks for understanding my dilemma.” He says wistfully with a grin playing on his lips and Zayn ducks his head as Liam watches him. They’re silent for a bit until Zayn says,

“What are you reading?”

“Uhm The Memory Keeper’s Daughter.” Liam states holding it out to Zayn. Zayn’s hand closes around the familiar book, he’s read it before. One of his favorites.

“Get ready for the tears in this thing.” Zayn mutters and Liam giggles,

“You cried?”

“You haven’t?” Zayn questions and Liam smiles,

“I’ve met a lot of people through my experience in college Zayn but nobody has ever listened to me spew some literary bull shit as much as you.” Liam says and Zayn’s not going to make it awkward so he says,

“You haven’t known me long enough then.” Liam laughs and Zayn doesn’t feel like his skin is going to crawl away from him or that Liam’s constantly watching him like Harry or avoiding him like Louis… he feels normal and for a second he almost forgets about life outside of the coffee shop.

~~

About two hours later while Liam is actually working now and Zayn is skimming through the book and not really reading it, Niall walks in. He’s grinning and he flings himself at Zayn,

“Missed you man.” Niall says and Zayn shrugs him off,

“I’ve been here all along.” He says but it sounds like a lie even to him. Niall doesn’t call him out on his bullshit statement though; he just jumps the counter and switches into his apron that has a nametag that says “HI MY NAME IS NIALL.” Zayn’s trying not to stare at Liam working around things and smiling at him every now and again but he can’t ignore the soft feeling in his gut and he just thinks that Liam is really nice and Zayn would love to draw him.

Zayn drums his hands on the counter and then he looks at Niall,

“Do you have a drawing pad and a pen or something?” He questions and Niall looks confused but he holds his hand up for Zayn to wait and he goes in the back. He returns with a pen and a small notepad and hands it to him,

“Here ya go.” He says. Zayn doesn’t look at Liam as he takes the pen and with his good hand starts slowly sketching a face. He lets all the features blend together and Zayn draws his lips and his rosy cheeks but he can’t draw his eyes, not quite right yet. He stares at the picture.

_To make a creature that will do what I say or love me back._

Zayn leaves after that and he doesn’t quite know why but he was never good with feelings, having them, facing them… using them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can totes talk to me on Tumblr if you want too: http://youisziamyouisismart.tumblr.com/


	7. don't mind the ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s no electricity this time, the feeling settles in his arteries and it pulses and beats softly. It throbs and it allows Zayn to curl his fingers around Liam’s too, both of their breaths mingling together. 
> 
> Oh what beauty, what floating, tumultuous, horrid beauty.

Zayn’s sitting on the grass while picking at some tuffs with his fingers as he watches Louis, Harry, Niall, Liam and Jade play a riveting game of football. Zayn feels faint and self-conscious as Liam keeps shooting looks at him. Zayn doesn’t read too much into them.

So he sits there with Leigh, Jesy and Perrie surrounding him as they sip some beers. The sun is shining hotly and beads of sweat are collecting on all of their foreheads. Zayn’s eyes trail to Louis who’s laughing and trying to steal the ball from Jade’s small yet idle frame and Zayn wonders what Harry had said to him. It had been a week since their fight and since Zayn had drawn Liam but nothing has changed… not really so he’s shocked that Louis had agreed to skip work for this.

He watches Liam while trying not to be noticed but it’s kind of hard because Liam keeps looking at him too. He thinks that if Liam wanted to he could be a model because even with sweat and half his body caked with dirt he still looks like something out of a dream. Zayn wants to touch but he knows that he can’t so he tucks his legs under him and he watches forlornly.

His head has been feeling light and all he wants to do is crawl into bed but he’s been doing that too much. He knows that he needs to start looking for a job but the thought of actually being seen again scares him too much, it makes his heart hiccup. He thinks about seeing his sisters or his parents again but the thought really scares him, makes him wonder what has he left behind.

“Hey babe.” Perrie says wrapping an arm around his neck and pulling him close, “You seem quiet.” She says and Zayn shrugs,

“I don’t know I’m a bit out of it to be honest.” He says and she gives him a soft smile,

“That’s fine. How’s the hand?” She questions and Zayn’s happy she didn’t ask him about his feelings or something like that,

“It’s been fine actually, how have you been?” He questions and she gives him a small smile,

“I have a date tonight. My co-worker Matt asked me out, he’s really sweet.” She says grinning and Zayn feels a smile creep up his face. He’s truly happy for Perrie because if anyone deserves a sweet boyfriend who treats them like a princess it’s Perrie, if Zayn could he’d give her the world because she’s that wonderful. He scoots closer to her and he closes his eyes as he allows the hot sun to beat down his face,

“That’s amazing Perrie. Where are you guys going?” He questions,

“I don’t know, he didn’t say. I’m just really excited.” She says with giddy and Zayn chuckles. They’re both silent after that and the sounds of the boys and Jade playing, Leigh and Jesy cheering and Perrie’s soft breathing lulls him to a short sleep.

~

He awakes to Liam looking down at him and he blinks while rubbing his eyes, “Time to go.” Liam says and Zayn sighs,

“Is it?” He questions, Liam nods and Zayn closes his eyes again because he can’t stand the caving in his chest every time he looks at Liam, the small voice in his head that tells him he can’t get Liam. Liam is unattainable and perfect while Zayn is simply not.  

“Yup, come on.” Liam says slipping his hand into Zayn’s and helping him up. Zayn seizes it and he doesn’t want to let go, Liam’s hands are beautiful and the lines that they make remind him of a line painting he had done once. When he’s standing steadily on his feet Liam’s hand slips out of his and he wants to search for it to come back but he doesn’t and he watches as all his friends start walking to the parking lot where their cars are.

Zayn starts walking too but Liam’s hand on his arm stop him, “Hey can I ask you something?” He questions and Zayn nods,

“Go ahead.” But his breathing has become somewhat erratic because Liam’s touched him twice in about five minutes out of his own free will.

“You do like poetry right?” He questions and Zayn blinks out of pure confusion but he nods anyways and says,

“I do.”

“Well Alysia Harris is going to be doing some poetry in London tonight and I’ve been meaning to ask you but you know… I’ve been busy.” Liam chokes out and Zayn turns his head to spot where his friends are and he notices them in the parking lot. Louis and Harry are sitting on the hood of the car, both of them talking and Zayn thinks that their conversation must be going good considering their fingers are entangled. Niall and Leigh are telling Perrie a story and Jade and Jesy are sitting in the car listening to music on Jesy’s iPod. He’s happy that none of them are watching him right now, he’d feel weird and put off but he’s happy that they look happy.

He’s happy that even though it’s not, everything seems normal even if it’s just for a bit.

He finally turns to Liam and he bites his lip, “That does sound fun.” It does actually. He knows Alysia Harris as a poet because he had spent a whole night watching her videos on YouTube and her words had been absolutely beautiful. Her voice and her emotions could move mountains and the fact that Liam wanted him to attend one of her poetry recitations with him made Zayn feel all soft and mushy inside, he felt like a teenager again.

“So do you want to come? I heard it’s going to be amazing… her stuff always is.” He says while smiling at Zayn. Zayn notes that Liam has crinkles behind his eyes and he kind of looks like a puppy when he smiles like that, a very soft and loveable puppy.

“Okay. Yeah… I’ll come with you.” Zayn manages to say without passing out due to his brain going dead and his hands clamming up. He knows that Liam is only asking him because none of their other friends have a love for poetry like him but that still makes him want to fly, makes him wonder if he really was Liam’s first choice or was he all the way on the bottom of the list.

~

“So where are you going?” Harry asks him as he leans on the doorway watching Zayn brush and tease his hair. Zayn feels a blush color his cheeks. Liam’s going to be at the apartment in about twenty minutes and he feels like a stupid child but he wants to look good… wants Liam to like him,

“Out with Liam.” He admits briskly. He notices Harry’s eyes widening from his peripheral vision,

“Really? I didn’t know you liked him.” Harry says watching him and Zayn blushes more now. He runs the comb through his hair one more time and then he looks at Harry,

“I don’t.” He lies and Harry nods,

“Okay, okay. Where are you guys going?” He questions,

“A poetry reading thing. Alysia Harris.” Zayn says and Harry stares at him,

“Should I pretend I know who that is or…?” He questions and Zayn chuckles while pushing him playfully on the shoulder and walking past him to go to the living room,

“She’s a poet, hence the term poetry reading.” Zayn says and Harry laughs from behind him,

“Someone’s sassy.”

“Someone’s happy. I’m guessing that you and Louis made up?” Zayn questions and he really hopes they did because he’s seen Harry cry way to many times and the broken look that Louis has always breaks him when he sees it.

“Not really. He just told me that he loves me but he needs his space, I’m just happy that he at least held my hand.” Harry says and Zayn turns so he’s looking at his best friend,

“I really hope you guys are okay… truly.”

“Thanks… I really hope you’re okay or that you become okay.” Harry says and Zayn smiles at that. He knows that he’s not exactly recovered or any of that dumb bullshit but he’s happy he has this date to keep his mind occupied, watching something beautiful with somebody beautiful.

Liam comes about ten minutes later and Zayn almost melts into a puddle right there. He’s wearing plaid, some tight jeans and some converse and it shouldn’t look so good but it does. He also smells like strawberries and cologne that makes Zayn weak at the knees. Harry says some pretty embarrassing stuff before he lets them leave and Zayn wants to crawl into a literal hole and die.

“Harry’s funny.” Liam comments in the car and Zayn just laughs,

“I call him the bane of my existence but whatever.” He jokes lightly and Liam laughs out loud while his hand flexes around the steering wheel of the car. Zayn lets his eyes rake over Liam and he just loves what he sees, loves that Liam is so lovely and open even though Zayn isn’t the most talkative or interesting person in the world.

“So you like Alysia?” Liam questions and Zayn nods,

“She’s amazing.” Zayn says softly but what he doesn’t tell Liam is that he’ll probably start sobbing as soon as Alysia opens her mouth because Alysia says things that make Zayn think. She talks about life and love, something that Zayn has lucked out on time and time again.

“Yeah she is.” Liam says and then they’re both silent. Zayn closes his eyes and he lets the stars create a canvas on his skin, and he hears Liam breathing and he can’t hear himself breathing though and he wonders if he’s ever lived for once in his life. Liam’s hand is right there, he can feel it with his eyes closed and he wants to badly reach over and card his fingers through Liam’s and beg him with all he has to breathe some life into Zayn’s body.

~

The venue is packed. People are chattering inside and Zayn doesn’t mean too but he presses his body to Liam’s because he feels the hairs on the back of his neck standing and his skin crawling, he hates public places. He hates thinking that people are laughing or looking at him, he hates being around and knowing that half these people are better than he could ever be.

Liam, the beautiful, wonderful boy he is wraps his arm around Zayn’s shoulder and Zayn still feels tense and now he feels buzzing under him because Liam is touching him and making him feel more alive than he’s ever felt in a long time.

“You alright?” Liam asks calmly into his ears as they find a seat near the stage as they wait for Alysia. There’s water on the table and Zayn immediately takes a sip,

“Fine.” He replies to Liam and Liam just smiles at him then he squeezes his knee. He lets go almost immediately but Liam’s phantom touch is still on his knee and he just desperately wants for Liam to hold him again.

After about five minutes of waiting the MC comes out and says,

“Now ladies and gentlemen, welcome a woman who can paint a painting with her words and has effervescent beauty… Alysia Harris!” Everyone cheers and Zayn does too until his hands are stinging, he looks over at Liam to gouge his reaction but Liam is smiling at him fondly and Zayn blushes but he smiles back.

When the cheering dies down Alysia Harris comes up to the mic and she smiles,

“Thank you so much for the kind welcome really… this is Cab Rides and The Morning After.” She says and Zayn sits and watches as she starts to recite poetry softly and thoroughly. Zayn feels his stomach quiver and his heart stutter as she talks about nobody believing her when she says she’s a virgin. Zayn feels tears down his face when she talks about her ashes and how brightly he can glow and it’s like there they are again, the tears that don’t seem to quit. Before he knows it he’s out of his seat with her words ringing in his ears.

As soon as he’s out the door he lets out a loud sob. He tilts his head back and he looks at the stars and god how he wishes he could shine that bright, how he could just be that pretty.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks softly from behind him. Of course Liam followed him, Liam’s that guy. Zayn wipes his eyes and he nods,

“Yeah just… emotional.” He says and Liam cocks his head to the side,

“Really?” Zayn nods,

“Really. I don’t know what it is about me and poetry, I get too many feelings.” Zayn says with a watery laugh and Liam smiles. It’s a sad one though, one that makes Zayn think maybe he looks really pathetic. They don’t say anything for a bit but then Liam’s fingers seem to find his in the dark and then they’re holding hands. There’s no electricity this time, the feeling settles in his arteries and it pulses and beats softly. It throbs and it allows Zayn to curl his fingers around Liam’s too, both of their breaths mingling together.

_Oh what beauty, what floating, tumultuous, horrid beauty._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me on tumblr: http://youisziamyouisismart.tumblr.com/  
> Credit to poet Alysia Harris for writing Cab Rides and The Morning After, here's the link to go watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQHdECyAKIk


	8. everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hates that he can’t even act like normal person. He hates himself and what this crippling depression has transformed him into. 
> 
> Rehab taught him how to not want to kill himself but what about the stuff in-between?

The thing is, after that night Liam and him become sort of friends or something. Liam calls him now and it doesn’t freak him out as much as it did the first time. Zayn was sitting in his bedroom alone watching some TV and his phone had went off shrilly, startled he had quickly picked it up and when he had realized it was Liam on the other line he had legit hang up. This had prompted him to call back and make up a great lie as to why he did.

Their talks on the phone aren’t really about anything at all. Most of the time it’s Liam talking and Zayn listening, Zayn really likes hearing Liam speak. It’s nothing about his voice or anything it’s just he’s very soothing and it sends his atoms into horrible frenzies when Liam talks to him, it makes the pit of his stomach warm and his palms tingle horribly.

The thing with speaking to Liam and seeing him in person so much more is that… it makes Zayn’s self-consciousness come through way to much in one day. He likes to curl in on himself when Liam’s around and he just stares up at Liam through his eyelashes and he always has to remember to take his pills because sometimes Liam clouds his mind so much that he’s all Zayn can think about.

Zayn’s not about to start writing sonnets and reciting Shakespeare outside Liam’s window,

 _Liam Payne, Liam Payne where for art thou Liam Payne?_ Yeah, no.

It’s been approximately three weeks since the poetry reading and Zayn’s sitting at home watching Iron Man with his legs curled under him and his drawing pad in his hand. He’s just staring at it as Tony Stark becomes Iron Man on the television.

There’s a knock on the door and he’s about to call for Harry to get the door but then he remembers Harry is seeing this concert with Niall and Louis isn’t there (when is he)? So Zayn puts his pad down on the coffee table in front of him and he softly strides up to the door and pulls it open.

He thinks that maybe he shouldn’t be surprised to see Liam standing there with a hesitant smile but he is and the soft taking off of his heart doesn’t help him feel better. He grips the doorknob and smiles gently at Liam,

“Hey what are you doing here?” He finds himself asking,

“I was bored and I called but you didn’t pick up.” Liam says this all while a blush is coloring his cheeks and Zayn wonders why.

“My phone was off and I’m just watching some Iron Man, come in.” Zayn pulls the door open so Liam can walk inside and when he does Zayn catches a whiff of mangos and cologne, Zayn wants to bury his nose in Liam.

“Oh man I love this movie.”

“Take a seat than… do you want anything? Tea?” Zayn asks trying to be a good host. He finds his skin crawling and his head hurting with anxiety and the need to look good in front of Liam is strong. He wants Liam to like him so badly; these are the moments where he would love a cigarette.

“No, I’m good thanks.” Liam replies politely seating himself where Zayn was sitting. Zayn quickly grabs his drawing pad off the table even though it’s blank save a few lines and he sits on the other side of the couch next to Liam, curling his legs under himself.

They’re both silent for what seems like hours but is probably fifteen minutes and Zayn has no idea how Liam suddenly got so close to him that Zayn can actually smell him again. Zayn turns his head slowly so he’s looking at the side of Liam’s face and when he’s about to turn back around Liam turns his head too and he smiles,

“Hey.” He whispers,

“Hi.” Zayn finds himself whispering back. There’s a voice in the back of his head screaming, _Stop it now!_ But he doesn’t really know how to. There’s a him, there’s a Liam and it feels so perfect especially when Liam leans in ever so slowly and he doesn’t say anything he just allows his lips to touch Zayn’s. Zayn’s eyes flutter close and his eyelashes fan his cheeks as Liam kisses him and he kisses back, it’s soft and Liam kisses like they have all the time in the world.

He tastes like bubble gum and Doritos. Zayn feels his blood rushing all around him and it’s like he’s on fire. Liam turns so he’s more comfortable and he wraps his hand around Zayn’s neck and Zayn’s breath is coming out heavy and labored.

The voice in the back of his head has become louder and he’s suddenly pulling away. He can’t do this!

Liam’s looking at him funny and Zayn blinks at him. He doesn’t know how to explain to Liam why he can’t kiss him when he can’t explain it to himself. He just feels his face becoming hot,

“I’m so sorry but I can’t do this.” Zayn sounds like a cliché but he really can’t. He’s not that kind of person and he doesn’t understand why Liam kissed him, he’s horribly damaged and he has too much flaws. Liam blinks and pulls away,

“Oh… that’s okay.” Liam says and Zayn can feel the awkwardness hanging at the top of their heads by a thin string so he just leans away too and they’re back to sitting at opposite sides of the couch. Zayn brings his knees to his chest and he wishes that he was like other people; he wishes he could kiss other guy’s without feeling all his insecurities and self-doubts washing over him. He hates that he can’t even act like normal person. He hates himself and what this crippling depression has transformed him into.

Rehab taught him how to not want to kill himself but what about the stuff in-between?

Liam leaves after the movie and Zayn wants to kiss Liam when he doesn’t act awkward, he grins and he wraps Zayn in a hug. Something platonic like you would give your mother and Zayn wants to wrap up in his bed sheets and never get out.

~

Zayn draws that night. He sits in his room, with Harry and Louis talking in hushed whispers in their bedroom and he draws nothing and everything. There’s no up and there’s no down, nothing is one thing. It’s all abstract and he just pours every single hatred of himself he has into the drawing pad, his pencil almost breaks at the force he’s holding it.

~

It’s when Zayn’s sipping his morning tee that Leigh barges into the apartment. Zayn’s startled to say the least because he was not expecting her one bit and she looks like death. Her hair is a mess, she has tears running down her face and she has this oversized shirt on. Zayn guesses that it’s Niall’s,

“Zayn.” She sobs out and Zayn blinks in surprise as she flings herself at him and she begins to sob into his shoulder. He drops his tea and wraps a tentative arm around her and rubs her back,

“Leigh what is it?” Zayn questions and she continues to sob, not answering yet. Zayn feels bile collect in his throat because if Niall and Leigh are broken up he doesn’t know what real love is, not one bit.

“I need your help.” She says finally pulling away and wiping her eyes.

“With?” He questions and she wrings her wrist. She looks defeated and sad; Zayn wonders what’s going on.

“Y-you can’t tell Niall.” She whispers and all Zayn can do is blink before he says slowly,

“Okay.” She lets out a haggard laugh and Zayn’s eyes widen when she wraps her arm around her mid-section. She looks like she’s cradling her flat tummy and all Zayn can do is stare while his insides convulse because he can’t not tell Niall this. “Leigh-,” He says and she shakes her head,

“I want to get rid of it.” She blurts and Zayn fish mouths for a bit but he can’t find the words to tell her how bad this is.

“Leigh.” He says again and she lets out a sob,

“He’s going to hate me. We had birth control and condoms, how could we have been so stupid? We’re not ready for a kid.” She says but all Zayn can think about is Niall. How Niall is probably at home wondering where his girlfriend is unbeknownst to him she’s at Zayn’s apartment begging him for… what exactly?

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Zayn says but he wants to scream at her to tell Niall but he can’t do that, he knows it.

“Just go with me to the clinic. I just want it gone okay!” She shouts and Zayn can’t believe what she’s asking of him. Zayn feels his skin itching and him not taking his pills finally hits him, he can’t do this. He can’t help one of his best friends get rid of a baby that belongs to his other best friend, he can’t.

“Why me?” Zayn finds himself asking,

“Because you understand people Zayn. Perrie would demand for me to tell him, Jade would flat out refuse me, Jesy would tell Niall and I need you for this. Please, Zayn please. Niall won’t know and I can’t do this alone.” She sobs and all Zayn can do is stare as she breaks slowly in front of him. He watches the Leigh he knew, the beautiful and charismatic girl that he met those years ago become a helpless child broken and holding her stomach, the stomach that is holding a baby that belongs to her boyfriend who knows nothing about it.

Zayn doesn’t know why he says it, he doesn’t know why he agrees to help her but he says, “Okay.” And she nods even though she’s still sobbing. She digs the keys to her car out of her pocket and she hands them to Zayn. They walk side by side, her sobs becoming silent shuddery hiccups and as Zayn drives to the Planned Parenthood center he feels all his skin pigments falling behind him.

This morning he was Zayn. He was folded and scared, he had kissed Liam Payne and he was depressed.

Now in Leigh’s car that smells like her and Niall he is unfolding. He is scared yes but he’s leaving the kid that kissed Liam Payne behind and replacing it with a boy who just wants everything back to normal.

~

Planned Parenthood is filled with pregnant women, pregnant women with five children and crying teenage girls. There are only a couple of guys and they look either scared or pissed off. Leigh fills out a sheet and she and Zayn sit down next to each other, neither of them speaking but just breathing. Zayn thinks that if an outsider were to watch them right now they’d think Leigh as the girl with the baby and Zayn as the boyfriend who wants her to abort it but looks can be oh so deceiving. Zayn wonders when his friends became so dysfunctional. When did Leigh and Niall start keeping things from each other? When did Louis and Harry start fighting? Are Jesy, Jade and Perrie the only ones that stayed the same?

His life is like All My Children, when did this even happen? One second everything’s great and the next it’s breaking in front of him. Everything’s changing and he doesn’t like it.

After about fifteen minutes a woman calls Leigh and she stands and looks at Zayn,

“Thank you.” She whispers and Zayn watches as the doors close behind her. Zayn sits there and he sits there and he watches the door, he rises from his seat slowly and he walks out of the door.

He can’t breathe.

If someone were to ask him why he pulled his cell phone out and called Liam out of all people, he’ll say he doesn’t know but that’s exactly what he does. Liam picks up and the first thing Zayn says is,

“Don’t you think the world changes too much?” Liam is silent for a moment but then,

“Sometimes but… change is a part of life.” It’s so cliché and booklet worthy but Zayn barrels on,

“But sometimes I want things to say the same. I want my friends to stay the same and I want to do things with them that I used to, I don’t want to lose all of them.”

“People never stay the same, Zayn. Life doesn’t stop for you or them.”

“Why? Why does that happen?” Zayn realizes he’s crying and he hates himself. He’s such a fool sometimes,

“I don’t think anyone can answer that. We either take it all in stride or we drown in it.” _I’ve already drowned,_ Zayn thinks. Zayn’s silent for a bit while thinking of all of them. He thinks of Niall with his infectious smile and beautiful heart. He thinks about all the love that Niall has to give but he chooses to give more of it to Leigh a girl with a pretty face and even prettier heart, with eyes only for a certain blonde Irishman. Then there’s Jesy with her fashionista dreams and the shoulder to cry on and it’s like Zayn’s never really known her as much, she was always there because of Jade. Jade with her tomboy ways and laughter that bounces off walls and collides with your eardrums and you want to keep it in.

Louis and Harry though, they’re the same people but not really. Ying and yang. While Louis is loud and in your face, Harry is calmer but content with everything. While Louis is the moody one Harry is the one to be holding him while he has a tantrum, it’s such a beautiful tragedy that makes Zayn want to die.

“You there?” Liam questions,

“Yeah… thank you.” Zayn says leaning his head on the wall,

“No problem. Are you okay though?” Liam questions,

“I’m fine.” _No I’m not._

“Good.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr: http://youisziamyouisismart.tumblr.com/  
> Make sure to comment


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